“Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater”
Last week my blog post had me advising the nations of the world how to deal with religious fanatic terrorists who are terrorizing the world and making the planet an even harder and more difficult and less fun and definitely sadder place to live on than it already is — and ought to be. I mean, come on! Take names, kick asses, get rid of these no-one-but-us killers once and for all, so we can all take a deep breath and go on living and focus on what should be the real problems in our day-to-day living.
Like The New England Patriots hissing air out of footballs so they can beat the other team. You know, in secret, so no one can see. Get a bunch of the fellas to stand around in a circle, whistling or something, while a ball boy or some hired flunky pushes a pin into the football and gets that orgiastic feeling hearing the sound we all know from our childhoods. Well, at least all us boys. Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Yowser, them Colts are done for now. Cause that’s how we roll in Foxboro kids. WE CHEAT!!
I take you back now to the great yesteryears of cheating episodes. Where do we begin. I know, it’s snowing. It’s snowing really hard. Players are slipping and sliding and dogging around but the Oakland Raiders are doing a better job of less slipping and sliding than our guys. But wait, look over there. Where no one’s looking. I think it’s Coach Belichick. He’s got something in his hand. Wait, I can see it through the snow now. It’s a five dollar bill. And he’s slipping it to the head official. Real quiet like. You know, how it gets real quiet in the snow. Hold on, what’s happening. Oh, it’s the TUCK RULE. Oh, oh yeah, the good old tuck rule. We’ve all heard of that. Bill paid off the ref and the ref made up a new rule. Real sneaky like. Only in front of a national television audience. And now I see Bill chuckling over there on the sideline. He’s lifting up his hoodie and there’s a picture on his sweatshirt. I see it. It’s Ferris Bueller. And there’s a quote — “See what a finsky can do for a guy’s attitude.” MAYBE CHEATING.
Flash forward. It’s 2007, it’s just outside New York City. I can see into an office. Coach Boone is handing Coach Yoast a metal canister. It’s got film of a game the team the Titan’s are playing next week playing another team. Coach Yoast is saying something like, “Wow, this is really going to help us out.” Can you imagine? Using films of another team to prepare.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I got confused there for a minute. That was really coach Belichick walking around the New York Jets practice field, you know, just walking, “la-dee-da”, out for a stroll, hands in his pockets, and then, when no one’s looking, sonofabitch, he’s taking film of the other team. SPYGATE. WE CHEAT AGAIN.
And now this. The Colts play with regulation footballs because that’s how they roll in Indy. All Andrew Luck and such. But us, and you know I really mean Coach Bill and Tommy B., we do anything to make us better. Our balls have been hissed away — remember that kid inside the circle — and they’re easier to throw and catch in the rain — which The Patriots no doubt caused to fall, somehow, the truth will come out one of these days. Advantage Patriots. CHEATERS.
I’m depressed. I watched that game last Sunday. At home in Portland, Oregon. I yelled and howled and laughed and jumped off the couch and spun in the air and marched through the house with my Red Sox jersey and Red Sox hat and said, “Look out Seattle, because the Patriots are headin’ to the desert. And they’re super bad.” And, it turns out, they are super bad. Just not the good super bad, but the same old song and dance Patriots bad super bad.
It’s a bummer. It’s not money. Did you know The Patriots had the 18th lowest payroll of all professional football teams this year? Seventeen higher, only 13 lower. Guess who had the highest? (You crafty old Seahawks). There have been no charges of domestic violence or child abuse in the last 25 minutes. Betcha by golly wow it’s true. But I bet you just know The Patriots would have paid off the ref (real sneaky like) to call that non-catch on Dez Bryant against Green Bay two weeks ago, if it was them playing instead of Dallas. Come on, you know it. The Patriots would have fired a secret stun gun at that Green Bay guy covering the two-point conversion against The Seahawks Sunday, because no one completes that pass and makes that catch — cause that’s how we roll in Foxboro, and you know it’s true. We leverage our opportunities.
No, it’s all too depressing for me. I just changed the channel to a news station, not sports, so I could relax and see something good, other than wicked cheaters. Then I saw this headline: “By 2016 the wealthiest one percent of the world will surpass the combined wealth of everybody else on the planet.” Every fuckin’ buddy else!! But nothing about cheaters. And ISIS demanding 200 million not to cut off some Japanese citizens heads. Nothing about cheaters there. And the Republicans and the Democrats saying exactly the opposite things. At each other. But no cheaters.
What’s a poor boy to do? There may be things wrong with sports, like ridiculous amounts of money and prima donna attitudes and inequality between men and women and parents getting all violent at youth sporting events and stuff like that. But there are many, many wonderful things about sports as well, not the least of which are the examples for children of perseverance and never giving up on a dream. Sports are a deep part of the culture and conscious of our beloved country.
So that is why it sucks that the New England Patriots — an organization whose players wore patches an entire season commemorating the wife of the team owner who had passed away before the season because she was so loved; an organization that is forever an intricate part of the generosity and selfless giving that is so prominent in the greater Boston region; an organization with a head coach who very well may be the best ever and a quarterback who very well may be the best ever and a team that will — snow and tucks and sneaky film and hissing air and all that notwithstanding — still be considered among the greatest dynasties in the game for all time — all of that is why it sucks so bad that The Patriots had to let some air out of their footballs while The Colts were playing with the legit ones.
I like the fact that most fans in the country don’t like Bill Belichick and don’t like the Patriots. Kinda makes me feel rebel-like. It’s because Coach B and the Patriots are usually better: smarter, more creative, more resilient, way more fun. Almost always better. Deal with it. If you don’t like us, TS. And that is all the more reason to hate that The Patriots cheated.
Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.
Nah, I don’t feel any better.